If You've Got An Impluse Let It Out

froggie_chan @ 2005-03-11T21:25:00

2005-03-12T04:48:20Z

I hate life right now. You have no idea.

Something is wrong with me. I don't know what. Dad pointed it out.

I've changed. I went from being always happy and upbeat to.. well, the reason I felt sick wasn't what I said. I know why I was sick to my stomach. Because my left wrist has cuts on it and I have no long sleeve shirts right now and the watch and bracelet won't hide it. And that made me sick. What makes me sicker is that I think if I had a gun right now I would shoot myself.

I need help. I don't know what kind but I need help.

I have to finish math and get above 80% or I'm gone from Carroll. And me and math don't mix. I'll be lucky if I get 60%. And I have to do the same in Science. And LA. And Social.

And right now Carroll is the only damned thing keeping me here.

Not my friends. I feel aweful saying that but it's true. Right now I feel like I have no friends. I know I have friends. Friends who love me. But that's not what my mind is telling me.

I don't know what it is but something is killing me and I don't know how to make it better. I don't know how to make it go away.

I wish to God that I could explain what it is but I can't.

I've pushed everyone and everything that I loved away and I don't know why.

In the locker room yesterday I got to thinking. I just.. got tired of being how I was, how I still seem. Some people don't realize how much easier it is to be depressed. When you're depressed people expect it of you. And if you're happy, it's like a bonus. Nice. Low expectations. But when you're a happy person people expect you to always be happy. If you're sad they get sad, and try to make you happy again. And then you get stuck with always making yourself seem happy. And it turns into a vicious cycle that you can't escape.

Even while I'm writing this I have to physically stop myself from dragging my nails down my wrist. Or the safety pin on the desk.

And I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so lost.

I promised myself that i would never be like this. But it's killing me.

My parents telling me that my life is screwed if I don't get perfect marks. My dad threatening me to get his kind of marks, to get genius marks. My mother telling me that I need to learn to do math. My sister telling me to die. My coach telling me to swim faster, shoot harder. My friends telling me to cheer up. Water Polo people ignoring me.

Water Polo.. I spent 1 hour afetr I got to practice in the change room crying, three Polo-ites walked by and didn't even say "Hi." I spent 45 minutes spriting up and down in the pool crying. Not even a hello.

All of this.

I'm crashing and burning.

The breakup with Geoffy. Allie going to Francis. Being told I have to do better. To be better. Friends trying to assure me things will be alright. Gido dying. Blair completely ditching us. People hitting me. Mom forcing me to go to the gym. My favorite bracelet breaking and me not being able to find all the pieces. Friends getting together without me. TV. Media. Me. Myself.

God.

Help.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I wish Graeme were online. Maybe he'd go for a walk.

This was going to be the best year of my life. I honestly believed it would be. I'd make tons of new friends, and wow my parents by finally being what they want me to be. Finally being pretty. Finally being smart. Finally having them acknowledge me for just being me. Do good in Water Polo, win Nationals, get a job and some money. Finally meet the NPers.

Well. It's all shot straight to hell.

My life is hell. And I don't know how to fix it.

I have so many things I want to take back. So many stupid things. But I can't and it hurts.

It hurts so much. The hurting won't stop. It's times like this that there seems to be only one way to end the hurting. Only one.

Oh godohgodohgod. Help me. Please. I need it so much.

So.. now you all know how fucked up Meg really is. How much she hates herself. How much she wishes she were dead.

I don't know how many of my friends will hate me for this, but it needed to be said or else you would have all found out in a much worse way.

This is my monoloque. Critiques please.

2005-03-02T01:04:29Z

Of course I've seen the headlines Miller. "Wanted: Harriet Tubman Reward: $5000."

(...)

[nods] They think I'm a threat so yes they'll look out for me more now. I'm more flattered that they'd think that of me than worried ... I've

helped free hundreds, yes, but when I think about how many more are still down there.. well it's hardly a dent.

(...)

Yes, I suppose it's amazing to you that one could return again and again. Not if you've seen what it's like.. if you've seen that you don't

think about yourself. You think about the thousands, maybe even millions, of people going through that hell and you just want to get

them out. You don't think about yourself.

(...)

I know you worry about me Miller but I'll be fine I promise. Just like all the others. You worry too much.

(...)

Thinking about the narcolepsy won't make it go away Miller. It's better to ignore it, I always do.

(...)

Look Miller, I've got not time to spare. If I'm late leaving now them the whole ride will be out of order, which is more dangerous than any

of the silly things you worry about. I'll be back in a few weeks, hardly any time at all. See you then.

[waves and leaves the stage]

froggie_chan @ 2004-04-12T23:39:00

2004-04-13T06:03:51Z

You know how every once in while yous ee a movie that just completely blows you away?

Radio is one of them.

I bawled in about 7 or 8 parts.

If you haven't seen it.. See it now. Do not pass go do not collect 200. Hey! You're still reading this, that means you aren't watching! SHOO! GO! WATCH! NOW!

For those morons who haven't rushed off to see this movie,

I'm feeling sappy now so, to all my friends:

I LOVE YOU!

Allie I love how you always know just what to say and tease me over my stupid tendancies.
Geoffy I love how wonderfully sweet and awesome you are in everyway possible.
Philly I love how you tease me and call me Curly Fry. You're like an older brother.
Graeme I love how you taught me to look down as well as up.
Blair I love how you laugh at my lame jokes and cheer me up when I'm down.
Joey I love how completely random you are you always brighten my day.
Katyi I love how you show me awesome fanfics and then fangirl with me over them.
Chrissy I love the advice you give and the random facts you shoot out.
Jenna I love how you dance like nobodys watching.
Jenn I love how you showed me shopping can be fun, along with everything else.
Alexandra I love you can be the voice on reason and of insanity at the same time.
Mariella I love how you opened up a whole new world of anime for me.
Becca I love how you taight me too be sick minded.
Grace I love how blond you are, and when you steal icing sugar with me.
Tina I love how you wear cool socks and are oh so blond and yet so black. (I get it!)
Jill I love how you go along with my crazies and laugh with me. (Or was it at me?)
Shane I love how you're there when I need you, and to plot with.
Aaron I love how goofy you are.
D I love how you're keeping your baby. Your willpower inspires me on the hardest of days.

Water Polo friends:

Jenn I love how you always look out for me and then act like such a weirdo.
Brittney G. I love how make up songs with me and tell me I'm being an idiot.
Brittney C. I love how you fiddle with my stuff.
Milena I love how you always have the most funny, cynical things to say.
Emily I love how you yell at me when I do something dumb and cheer me on when I improve.
Chanel I love how you tell me to shut up when I babble on too much.
Nicole I love how you try to be normal with all of us around.
Ellen I love how sarcastic you are and that I can beat you at tanning.
Alyssa I love how you're the youngest and the most mature.
Jill I love how stupid (there is not other word hun) you are.
Danielle I love how you show me a new side of everything.
Veronica I love how you "stalk" me.
Tina I love how you try to stay serious and look at me like I'm mad.
Elizabeth I love how you laugh at the gerbil song.
Andrew I love how you laugh at me and try and colour on me.
Mike I love how you can be such an ass but then be so nice.

If I've left out anyone at all I'm sorry because it's late and I'm tired.

I love you guys more than anything in this world.

froggie_chan @ 2003-12-17T07:15:00

2003-12-17T14:18:38Z

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<img src="http://www.boomspeed.com/blueamerican/Inuyasha/iyfriends1.jpg" alt/>

------------

And of course you know I only made it friends only so that I could stick this up. ^^

And I'm addicted to Evanesense! *drools*

froggie_chan @ 2003-12-06T09:19:00

2003-12-06T16:21:11Z

I did it in 13</big></b> seconds.
I deserved an A!!
Take the How Dexterous Are You? Quiz!!

froggie_chan @ 2003-12-03T21:14:00

2003-12-04T04:21:37Z

What will your last words be? by cum_on_bitch
Your LJ username
Your real name
Your sex
Your age
Your last words will be...	"who spilt my beer?!"

Created with quill18's MemeGen!

---------

More like who spilt my sack of sugar. I hate beer.

froggie_chan @ 2003-12-02T21:21:00

2003-12-03T04:24:19Z

People who refuse huggles and glomps!
Circle I Limbo

Blair
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

People who bug you to play stupid little games with them
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

People Who Hate Christmas
Circle IV Rolling Weights

Mr.Graham
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Aaron Infusino
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

George Bush
Circle VII Burning Sands

Ms. Matar
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

Donaldson
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

froggie_chan @ 2003-12-02T07:13:00

2003-12-02T14:17:01Z

*huggles Allie*

*huggles Shane*

---------

I hope Water Polo isn't cancelled again today, it was on Sunday. And I really can't wear my contacts this time! It hurts to much with the cut on my eye. HA! Fear my valid excuse! And Jenn upped her soul price to $1.25 and a piece of gum, and me being the dork I am, am still buying it. XD

froggie_chan @ 2003-12-01T17:10:00

2003-12-02T00:13:40Z

Must not bite of peoples heads. Must convince friends that my voice isn't squeaky.

Oh yeah, must control fucking jealousy.

WHHHEE! CHRISTMAS!

2003-12-01T01:37:10Z

CHRISTMAS IS COMIIIIIIINGGGGGGGGG!

Stupid birthday and Christmas being so close I don't have enough stuff I want to fill them up! O.o

I'm stuck on the Christmas carol radio station! So pretty!

*sings along loudly*

-------

you are fuchsia
#FF00FF

Your dominant hues are red and blue. You're confident and like showing people new ideas. You play well with others and can be very influential if you want to be.

Your saturation level is very high - you are all about getting things done. The world may think you work too hard but you have a lot to show for it, and it keeps you going. You shouldn't be afraid to lead people, because if you're doing it, it'll be done right.

Your outlook on life is very bright. You are sunny and optimistic about life and others find it very encouraging, but remember to tone it down if you sense irritation.
</a>

the spacefem.com html color quiz

------

I'm not sure it ever goes down. It just goes for walks on blue moons. =P

froggie_chan @ 2003-11-29T18:17:00

2003-11-30T01:20:59Z

WHEEEE! I bought Jenn's soul for 5 cents and a piece of gum! GO ME! And I'm heading over to Graeme's house for a movie night soon! And...ALlies actually coming to this one...*gasp*

AND I HAVE MY TOE SOCKS! FEAR THEM!

And a tree ate my bouncy room. Inside joke between me and, well, me. ^^'

froggie_chan @ 2003-11-29T09:29:00

2003-11-29T16:31:19Z

The World Is MINE! by Demonac
Name:
You will conquer:	the Entire World, except for the bits nobody wanted anyway.
Your title will be:	Saint
You will succeed by:	Mind controlling them all.
Your Enforcers will be:	Rainbow Six (from the Tom Clancy book of same name).
Your first act as ruler:	Build an invincible fortified palace in Washington (and use the White House as your doghouse).

Created with quill18's MemeGen!

-----------

FEAR THE MIND CONTROLLLLLLLLLLL!

froggie_chan @ 2003-11-27T21:22:00

2003-11-28T04:23:44Z

Innocent Love-

QUIZ ATACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

froggie_chan @ 2003-11-27T21:06:00

2003-11-28T04:08:23Z

What will career will you have in the future? by genniles
Name
Career	FBI Agent

Created with quill18's MemeGen!

How will your children turn out? by genniles
Gender:	Male
Birth Date:	September 25, 2027
Death Date:	June 25, 2117
Cost to Raise Child:	$164,013
Their Life:	Your child is born on the day predicted by the doctor with no health problems at all. The child goes home with you early, where you raise them to be a perfect straight A kid. They have many friends. Your kid lives a good life until they are hit by a bus crossing the street.
Your Name:

Created with quill18's MemeGen!

----

Don't I have to be a US citizen to do that?

And... *kills the bus*

froggie_chan @ 2003-11-23T21:41:00

2003-11-24T04:43:20Z

What will your Funeral be like? by rashock
Username
You will die by:	You died of natural causes. How sweet. Your funeral is an adverage open casket.
Death Date:	June 23, 2045
Number attending your funeral?	110
How much will you leave to friends and family?	$2,311,316

Created with quill18's MemeGen!

SCARY!

2003-11-24T04:10:23Z

We where heading backfrom Lindsay Park and on..6th Ave I think at a red light when this trunk turns and heads right at us! He stopped about 3 feet away and dad's honking at him..so he moves forward another 2 feet or so and dad's honking away still. And I could see his face and he just gave us the creepiest look I've ever seen! It was like..I can't even describe it. *shudders* It..ewww...creepy. I think I'll end up with nightmares now..

froggie_chan @ 2003-11-20T16:36:00

2003-11-20T23:44:42Z

My friend, Blair to be specific, broke my green braclet today. SO I'M NOT CHRISTMAS ANYMORE! *cries* I feel so naked without it.

I don't get easily attached to my jewelry, really. Now I'm gonna make him go to Regina and get me a new one. And bring me a backing for the one he lost. My backpack looks wrong without my Inu pin. And replace several other thinsg he's broken and such over time.

In better news Graeme is gonna postpone his movie night til next Saturday when I can go. Because I have to get up at 5:30am to make it to Lindsay Park (Talisman Centre) to catch the bus to Edmon-hell. But we finally get to paly the Praire Dolphins, maybe I'll ask 'em how you get dolphins out here..They'll be easy because our atoms can almost tie them. *laughes* Yes, they've been playing 6-10 year olds.

AND COME TO ME MY BISHMONS! *cackles*

Anyone got any good songs they recommend downloading? My playlist needs more ^^

froggie_chan @ 2003-11-19T16:02:00

2003-11-19T23:07:37Z

I'm so hyper! It's like DOOOOMMM OF HYPERNESS! And Allie has dubbed me a female pimp. Because I was huggling people and because I kept molesting Shanie-pants last night and on reflecting because I decided to marry several guys because they could play the can-can. BUT I ATE HIS SHOE AND MT. DEW!

So I win. I also read Hop Frog by Edgar Allen Poe! And I have hot chocolate!

WHICH BURNT MY TONGUEEE!

froggie_chan @ 2003-11-15T20:41:00

2003-11-16T03:51:38Z

Hope ya have a great birthday Shanie-pants!

You're not a poo like other people! FEEL SPECIAL!

And how in god's name can you play like this Ludovico dude? Damn Josh for getting me hooked. *grumbles*

froggie_chan @ 2003-11-15T08:09:00

2003-11-15T15:16:25Z

Become a God or Goddess. by zerogirl
Name:
God/Goddess of	The Unknown
Element:	Acid
Animal Companion:	White tiger
Weak against	Ice
Weapon:	Whip

Created with quill18's MemeGen!

------------

Why does that not sound like me...?

froggie_chan @ 2003-11-12T12:57:00

2003-11-12T19:59:49Z

I r sick.

*dies*

froggie_chan @ 2003-11-11T08:46:00

2003-11-11T15:49:45Z

Finally got back from Regina andddddddddd we won gold! Which was an awesome comeback because the team we beat for it we had lost to 10-1! My coach had said that w'd come back and win it 5-4 but we showed him. 6-0 baby!

FEAR THE MERKINS!

If you know what one is feel special.

Water Polo! WHEHEHH!

2003-11-06T04:30:48Z

Yes, tomorrow I'm doing the leaving thing for Regina. We have a Polo tournie, but we're all gonna die because we're also playing Open Women besides Cadet and Open Women is the seniors and stuff! And that all ads up to 4 games a day, which means I'm going to be sooo sick and tired when I get home.

I'll missers ya all! WISH US LUCK!

WE GET TO WATCH FINDING NEMO ON THE BUS!!!!!!

NEMONEMONEMODORYDORYDORY!

Sexay ^^

2003-11-04T04:21:16Z





	
	
	
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How compatible with me are YOU?

froggie_chan @ 2003-11-03T16:47:00

2003-11-03T23:49:30Z

Advanced Big Five Personality Test Results

Sociability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Gregariousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	82%
Assertiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Activity Level	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%
Excitement-Seeking	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Cheerfulness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Extroversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	72%
Trust	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	86%
Morality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Altruism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Cooperation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Modesty	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Sympathy	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Friendliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Self-Efficacy	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Neatness	\|\|\|\|\|\|	26%
Dutifulness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Achievement	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Self-Discipline	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	45%
Anxiety	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%
Anger	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Depression	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	38%
Self-Consciousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Immoderation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Vulnerability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	38%
Emotional Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	44%
Imagination	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	86%
Artistic Interests	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Emotionality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Intellect	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Liberalism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Intellectualness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%

Take Free Advanced Big 5 Personality Test

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Hehehe. I don't know what some of the words mean. *feels dumb*