I hate life right now. You have no idea.

Something is wrong with me. I don't know what. Dad pointed it out.

I've changed. I went from being always happy and upbeat to.. well, the reason I felt sick wasn't what I said. I know why I was sick to my stomach. Because my left wrist has cuts on it and I have no long sleeve shirts right now and the watch and bracelet won't hide it. And that made me sick. What makes me sicker is that I think if I had a gun right now I would shoot myself.

I need help. I don't know what kind but I need help.

I have to finish math and get above 80% or I'm gone from Carroll. And me and math don't mix. I'll be lucky if I get 60%. And I have to do the same in Science. And LA. And Social.

And right now Carroll is the only damned thing keeping me here.

Not my friends. I feel aweful saying that but it's true. Right now I feel like I have no friends. I know I have friends. Friends who love me. But that's not what my mind is telling me.

I don't know what it is but something is killing me and I don't know how to make it better. I don't know how to make it go away.

I wish to God that I could explain what it is but I can't.

I've pushed everyone and everything that I loved away and I don't know why.

In the locker room yesterday I got to thinking. I just.. got tired of being how I was, how I still seem. Some people don't realize how much easier it is to be depressed. When you're depressed people expect it of you. And if you're happy, it's like a bonus. Nice. Low expectations. But when you're a happy person people expect you to always be happy. If you're sad they get sad, and try to make you happy again. And then you get stuck with always making yourself seem happy. And it turns into a vicious cycle that you can't escape.

Even while I'm writing this I have to physically stop myself from dragging my nails down my wrist. Or the safety pin on the desk.

And I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so lost.

I promised myself that i would never be like this. But it's killing me.

My parents telling me that my life is screwed if I don't get perfect marks. My dad threatening me to get his kind of marks, to get genius marks. My mother telling me that I need to learn to do math. My sister telling me to die. My coach telling me to swim faster, shoot harder. My friends telling me to cheer up. Water Polo people ignoring me.

Water Polo.. I spent 1 hour afetr I got to practice in the change room crying, three Polo-ites walked by and didn't even say "Hi." I spent 45 minutes spriting up and down in the pool crying. Not even a hello.

All of this.

I'm crashing and burning.

The breakup with Geoffy. Allie going to Francis. Being told I have to do better. To be better. Friends trying to assure me things will be alright. Gido dying. Blair completely ditching us. People hitting me. Mom forcing me to go to the gym. My favorite bracelet breaking and me not being able to find all the pieces. Friends getting together without me. TV. Media. Me. Myself.

God.

Help.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I wish Graeme were online. Maybe he'd go for a walk.

This was going to be the best year of my life. I honestly believed it would be. I'd make tons of new friends, and wow my parents by finally being what they want me to be. Finally being pretty. Finally being smart. Finally having them acknowledge me for just being me. Do good in Water Polo, win Nationals, get a job and some money. Finally meet the NPers.

Well. It's all shot straight to hell.

My life is hell. And I don't know how to fix it.

I have so many things I want to take back. So many stupid things. But I can't and it hurts.

It hurts so much. The hurting won't stop. It's times like this that there seems to be only one way to end the hurting. Only one.

Oh godohgodohgod. Help me. Please. I need it so much.

So.. now you all know how fucked up Meg really is. How much she hates herself. How much she wishes she were dead.

I don't know how many of my friends will hate me for this, but it needed to be said or else you would have all found out in a much worse way.

Of course I've seen the headlines Miller. "Wanted: Harriet Tubman Reward: $5000."

(...)

[nods] They think I'm a threat so yes they'll look out for me more now. I'm more flattered that they'd think that of me than worried ... I've

helped free hundreds, yes, but when I think about how many more are still down there.. well it's hardly a dent.

(...)

Yes, I suppose it's amazing to you that one could return again and again. Not if you've seen what it's like.. if you've seen that you don't

think about yourself. You think about the thousands, maybe even millions, of people going through that hell and you just want to get

them out. You don't think about yourself.

(...)

I know you worry about me Miller but I'll be fine I promise. Just like all the others. You worry too much.

(...)

Thinking about the narcolepsy won't make it go away Miller. It's better to ignore it, I always do.

(...)

Look Miller, I've got not time to spare. If I'm late leaving now them the whole ride will be out of order, which is more dangerous than any

of the silly things you worry about. I'll be back in a few weeks, hardly any time at all. See you then.

[waves and leaves the stage]

You know how every once in while yous ee a movie that just completely blows you away?

Radio is one of them.

I bawled in about 7 or 8 parts.

If you haven't seen it.. See it now. Do not pass go do not collect 200. Hey! You're still reading this, that means you aren't watching! SHOO! GO! WATCH! NOW!

For those morons who haven't rushed off to see this movie,

I'm feeling sappy now so, to all my friends:

I LOVE YOU!

Allie I love how you always know just what to say and tease me over my stupid tendancies.
Geoffy I love how wonderfully sweet and awesome you are in everyway possible.
Philly I love how you tease me and call me Curly Fry. You're like an older brother.
Graeme I love how you taught me to look down as well as up.
Blair I love how you laugh at my lame jokes and cheer me up when I'm down.
Joey I love how completely random you are you always brighten my day.
Katyi I love how you show me awesome fanfics and then fangirl with me over them.
Chrissy I love the advice you give and the random facts you shoot out.
Jenna I love how you dance like nobodys watching.
Jenn I love how you showed me shopping can be fun, along with everything else.
Alexandra I love you can be the voice on reason and of insanity at the same time.
Mariella I love how you opened up a whole new world of anime for me.
Becca I love how you taight me too be sick minded.
Grace I love how blond you are, and when you steal icing sugar with me.
Tina I love how you wear cool socks and are oh so blond and yet so black. (I get it!)
Jill I love how you go along with my crazies and laugh with me. (Or was it at me?)
Shane I love how you're there when I need you, and to plot with.
Aaron I love how goofy you are.
D I love how you're keeping your baby. Your willpower inspires me on the hardest of days.

Water Polo friends:

Jenn I love how you always look out for me and then act like such a weirdo.
Brittney G. I love how make up songs with me and tell me I'm being an idiot.
Brittney C. I love how you fiddle with my stuff.
Milena I love how you always have the most funny, cynical things to say.
Emily I love how you yell at me when I do something dumb and cheer me on when I improve.
Chanel I love how you tell me to shut up when I babble on too much.
Nicole I love how you try to be normal with all of us around.
Ellen I love how sarcastic you are and that I can beat you at tanning.
Alyssa I love how you're the youngest and the most mature.
Jill I love how stupid (there is not other word hun) you are.
Danielle I love how you show me a new side of everything.
Veronica I love how you "stalk" me.
Tina I love how you try to stay serious and look at me like I'm mad.
Elizabeth I love how you laugh at the gerbil song.
Andrew I love how you laugh at me and try and colour on me.
Mike I love how you can be such an ass but then be so nice.

If I've left out anyone at all I'm sorry because it's late and I'm tired.

I love you guys more than anything in this world.

I did it in 13</big></b> seconds.
I deserved an A!!
Take the How Dexterous Are You? Quiz!!

*huggles Allie*

*huggles Shane*

---------

I hope Water Polo isn't cancelled again today, it was on Sunday. And I really can't wear my contacts this time! It hurts to much with the cut on my eye. HA! Fear my valid excuse! And Jenn upped her soul price to $1.25 and a piece of gum, and me being the dork I am, am still buying it. XD

Must not bite of peoples heads. Must convince friends that my voice isn't squeaky.

Oh yeah, must control fucking jealousy.

CHRISTMAS IS COMIIIIIIINGGGGGGGGG!

Stupid birthday and Christmas being so close I don't have enough stuff I want to fill them up! O.o

I'm stuck on the Christmas carol radio station! So pretty!

*sings along loudly*

-------

WHEEEE! I bought Jenn's soul for 5 cents and a piece of gum! GO ME! And I'm heading over to Graeme's house for a movie night soon! And...ALlies actually coming to this one...*gasp*

AND I HAVE MY TOE SOCKS! FEAR THEM!

And a tree ate my bouncy room. Inside joke between me and, well, me. ^^'

Innocent Love-

QUIZ ATACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!